By: Joseph A Ditlow, Esq.
Over the
course of the last several days, we have been reminded just how precious life
is; especially the lives of our children.
What sparked these thoughts? – most notably, the senseless bombing at
the Boston Marathon that took the life of an eight-year-old boy; and, the
tragic death of a 16-year-old-girl resulting from a head-on collision Sunday
night in the Glenwood Canyon.
When parents
are getting ready for the arrival of their children, most people seek advice on
what to expect, whether it be from a book, or a trusted friend or family
member. Once they are born, keeping them
healthy and safe becomes a top priority. And, as they get older, the worry shifts to
preventing the outside world from harming them.
Yet, as the events of the past week make clear, no matter how hard you
strive to protect your children from harm, the world sometimes intervenes in unimaginable
ways. That leaves families with another topic
that is rarely discussed or even contemplated…what do we do as parents when we lose a child?
In 2006 it
was anticipated by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) that approximately
150,000 children and young adults would die in the United States.[1] These deaths leave hundreds of thousands of
parents with the burden of coping with the loss and developing a new family
identity that accompanies outliving ones child.
Jean Galcia, M.A., states that “When a child dies
in a family, the members feel as if they have been ripped apart, unwound, which
creates tension and conflict. Crisis
begets crisis and the greatest stress is put on [a marriage] the marital dyad.” [2]
This leads us to the common perception that, generally
speaking, marriages that suffer the loss of a child often end in divorce. Ms. Galcia states that this idea is more of a
myth…
The actual facts bear out that the death of a child
usually acts, instead, to polarize the existing factors found in the marriage;
hence, some marriages get worse, some get better, some just maintain, and some
actually do end in divorce. However, those that do end in a divorce, the
child’s death just hastened the overdue burial of the marriage. Marriages that have sustained the loss of a
child through death experience the same valleys and peaks as any other
marriage, just in a more exaggerated form. Whether they become better or worse, the one
sure thing is that the marriage will never be the same again as it was before
the child’s death.[3]
The Compassionate Friends survey, When a Child Dies, further negates the myth; noting, roughly 16% of
marriages that suffer the loss of a child end in divorce.[4] This is clearly below the national average of
50%.[5] Ms. Galcia notes, despite the low divorce
rate, the loss of a child has an isolating effect on a marriage. She states:
The two were wedded into one and now they are two again
in that each must bear their own pain. They
have lost the same child, but the loss for each is unique. It is a simultaneous grief that has ripped
each of them apart, there is nothing left inside and nothing left to give even
to their spouse. They cannot meet each
other’s needs or anyone else’s need at that moment in time. Grieving spouses sporadically are able to
support each other, but they each feel a profound sense of isolation. Grieving people tend to focus on their
feelings, their needs and their day, which is normal, so they have little
energy left to invest in others which would include their spouse.[6]
What issues
should grieving couples be on the look-out for? : 1) sexual problems, 2) emotional distance, 3)
increased conflict/fighting, and 4) “if the child was the glue that held the relationship
together, they have a need to find a new foundation.”[7]
Studies show that the grieving process is individualized
to the person grieving. Life
experiences, social norms, and support networks are factors in navigating one’s
grief. Some internalize their
grief. Others attempt to verbalize their
grief with their support networks. It
would thus seem clear, again as a general rule, that parents who are opposites
in their coping can lead to conflict.
What tools should
grieving parents use to keep their marriage intact? There are numerous sources on coping with the
loss of a child. Most major book stores
have entire sections devoted to the topic.
Faith and social outlets are a great source of solace in your time of
grief. Greif counseling is also an
option. There are even Youtube.com
videos on the topic. The resource you
choose to get through the loss of the child is, again, extremely personal. However, in order to move forward with your
life, and your marriage, it is crucial that your grief is addressed.
One thing is clear…your relationship will be tested
unlike any other stressor in your marriage.
Remember, at the end of the day, your spouse/partner is the person you
count on the most. Learn to understand
the differences in your grieving. Be
patient and work to build each other up.
The Law Office of Angela Roff, PC, expresses our
deepest condolences if you have or are currently grieving the loss of a
child. As Christopher Robin said: “There is something you must
always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and
smarter than you think.”[8]
[1] When
A Child Dies Survey 2006, The Compassionate Friends, http://www.compassionatefriends.org/about_us/Media-Resources/Surveys.aspx
[2] Jean Galica, M.A., LMFT, http://www.theravive.com/research/The_Effects_of_the_Death_of_a_Child_on_a_Marriage
[3] Id.
[4] When
A Child Dies Survey 2006, pg. 5.
[6] Galica at ¶6
[7] Id.
[8] A.A. Milne, Earnest H. Shepard, Winnie-the-Pooh
